Shame, Shock, No.. Stop!

It was a thursday. school holidays had just begun. I was very keen to learn swimming. So keen, that I was sure I would have fully learnt swimming by the time my half-yearly holidays were over. I would then be boasting about my new skills to my friends, atleast verbally. Would then make them compare our skill-sets.  One more feather in my toy-box. 

I was very enthused when my Amma gave me a tenner and as usual, had not posed any conditions when I told her about my visit to the Anna Swimming Pool that day. I already had seven rupees with me and with ten, I can come back with a two rupees in hand. Six for the ticket, five for the bus, and four for my favourite flavoured Aavin milk. Concerned, she said, play safe. “Who’s with you ?”. “Nagu”, I lied. Don’t know why, I lied instinctively. She believed, I lie very very rarely. Nagu, wasn’t coming today. He had something to do at his school. 

You must know, I am a 12 year old, studying seventh standard in a Government-funded school. We weren’t very rich, but had a number of friends and members in the family. Amongst such members of my age, I needed the focus and attention, to call myself superior to the rest of my peers. In a way, I succeeded, with my above-average academics and some ornamental knowledge acquired from reading magazines from my neighbourhood. Now, with Swimming up my sleeve, I shall top many of them. 

I reached at about eleven in the morning.  The bus, roads and the swimming pool too, were least crowded unlike on the weekends. I was used to crowded swimming pool, boys jumping in and out, very close to one another. Today, it was so empty, hardly four members were inside and all were elderly. I was doubtful as to whether I should get in or not. 

Prompted by a friendly smile from a stranger inside, I took the courage to enter the pool. As a novice, I clung on to the channel in the side-wall, wherein the surface water would drain. Stretched my legs and tried to beat the water with my legs, trying to keep my body afloat – or at least in line with the surface.  It wasn’t much fun, especially, when my friends weren’t around. After about some time, I saw the stranger coming closeby. After introductory smiles, he offered to teach me swimming. As an obedient student keen to learn, I immediately accepted.  

He held my hand and took me to the centre of the pool. I wasn’t tall enough to stand aground. Trying to keep my face above water, I went hopping with my legs stretched and toe barely touched the floor. One hand supporting my upper torso and the other over my abdomen, he held me horizontally, close to the surface, and asked me to make strides. Kick my legs and roll my arms, alternating one-another, without a gap. I tried pretending to swim, and doing as I was told.  Within a short while, I felt his right arm holding my genitals. For first few seconds, I thought it wasn’t intentional. Then, slowly, I felt his grip harden on me. Couldn’t differentiate whether it was pleasure or pain. Sure, I knew it wasn’t for good. Within a second, I started to plead him. Enough Anna, I shall practice swimming later. He would not leave, continued his grip. Now, his smile wasn’t the same as earlier. All fears now flushed on my face. I used my both hands to push myself away from him. With one leg, I kicked him on his belly, not to hurt, but to shoo myself away.  Limping on my one toe, I hopped to the sides. Luckily, he did not follow. As quickly as I could muster, pulled myself out of the pool. Changed over, came out, rushed to the Bus and got home. 

That entire day, I was lost in thoughts on whether to share this with my friends or not. What would they think about me. Whether saying it to my Amma would deprive my freedom. Will anyone think ill about me. That I have outgrown my age. How will I prove that I wasn’t the one, he tried something on me. What was that feeling that I had experienced just before kicking myself out. What could have happended, had I continued to be there. Has this happened with any of my friends. Who is this person in swimming pool. Is he one of his kind, or are there many, wandering in public places, like this. Whom do I approach to know more on this. Will I be labelled as evil – and be banned for my friends. What will happen to me, if I confide with my friends; or my parents. 

While the doubts were seriously against all odds and not to my favour. All but one, Nagu.  Luckily for me I had someone so close, to whom, I could share the most intimate details about me and my surging emotions.  I had narrated the whole episode to him, and got myself relieved. We then made sure not to visit any such place singly.  Over time, I thought we forgot it.

Now, I am nearing fifty. Recent incidents, brought these memories back alive. As fresh memories, I can vividly see. What purpose will I achieve by speaking about it now. Will I spoil my image among my people. Clearly, I could have created some awareness for one generation of kids.  About what is a wrong touch. By not speaking, I might have allowed strangers like the one I crossed upon, flourish with their bad designs and made their killing silently. I felt shameful to speak out about it then. Now, it is a different shade of shame that I feel, for not communicating – in whatever form that I could have. 

Sorry folks, for being late. Nevertheless, I am convinced to have said about it, before the end of my time.